But it’s a damn good place to start
No law is gonna change us
We have to change us
Whatever god we believe in
We come from the same one
Strip away the fear
Underneath it’s all the same love
About time that we raised up
|—||Macklemore (via chrisieoology)|
Maybe someday you’ll feel good enough about yourself to not care what other people think, not care about the hatred that you will endure, and not care about the people you will lose in your life by “coming out.” Newsflash: no one is worth you pretending to be someone you’re not. Until you accept this small fact of life, you can never be truly happy. Always remember who you are and let your true self free.
|—||Conor Gaughan - “We Are Not Arguing Over Chicken” (Huffington Post)|
Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. -Ambrose Redmoon
I don’t know why I am even writing this. Who is going to read it anyway? Hmm, a little about me I guess. My name is Daryl, I am a 23 year old soldier currently deployed to Afghanistan. Its really hard to describe myself because I am a different person depending on who I am around. At work I try to be more tough and confident than I actually am, but that’s because I have to me. Especially with my skill set, lives depend on my “confidence”. At home, back in NY I try to be the good boy that everyone expects. Online I am a confused gay kid who has no one to talk to except for the occasional anonymous friendly soul. Ha, I say kid because that’s how I like think of myself. I wish I could stop growing up so fast, or just go back and start over.
I am an extremely screwed up individual. I hate the fact that I am attracted to guys. I don’t know if its because of the way I was raised or because of my religious belief but I feel like it is wrong to be attracted to guys. For a very long time I tried to ignore that side of me. I have even had a couple of serious relationships before, with girls of course. In each relationship I was attracted to the girl and was committed to the relationship. So does that make me BI? I mean I am attracted to some girls but I see way more guys that I am attracted too. So does that mean that I am more gay than BI?
These questions have been driving me insane lately, add that to the spiritual struggle I have been having and you get one lost soul. I feel like now that I have accepted the fact that I am not straight and was born this way that it undermines my religion. There is so much going on in my head right now… I keep thinking about coming out to someone. It feels almost like I am a fugitive running from some horrible crime but I am tired of looking over my shoulder so i’m just going to turn myself in.
I am fairly certain I cant come out to my friends or family. My mom would probably be ok with it but I have never been comfortable sharing my feelings. My dad I think would disown me and my best friend would probably unfriendly me. They are both, very conservative. I describe myself as conservative too but obviously not even close to their level.
Lately I have been thinking how much easier it would be if I just didn’t make it back. I don’t think that I can kill myself. I know what the repercussions would be if I did that. The guilt I would place on people by doing that wouldn’t be fair. My dad I am sure would probably be more angry than sad but still I know the pain it would cause. I know that someone else would have to take my missions and put their life in danger because of my selfish decisions. Still though, it sometimes feels like it would be such an easy thing to do. Just one quick second and it would be over. No, I wont do it though. Instead, I volunteer for every mission I can. It keeps others out of harms way and if something happens then so be it. My family would be better off, financially anyway. Heck, in more ways at least they wont ever find out about me being gay… Or BI. This sucks. Well that’s all for now I guess.
Confessions of a Half Dyke: First of all, I’m not a solider (I have only one close friend who described the missions to me and how….tough…it is) and my parents are more moderate than conservative and I’m not religious. However, I do understand how difficult and confusing it is to begin coming out. I understand the anger. I always had happy relationships with males and so when I started becoming attracted to females and genderqueer individuals it was…alarming. My parents weren’t the most supportive when I came out, but they still love me. However, I realized that sometimes being blood related isn’t enough. That’s why in the glbt community other glbt people are often called family. We make our own families. In our society being gay (or bi) is still “new.” And often new is scary. The Bible has lots of rules that we don’t follow because they’re outdated and just not applicable to modern culture. For instance, people don’t feel guilty about eating shellfish or not selling their neighbors as slaves. Our society doesn’t use the Bible appropriately. Most of the time the bible is used to inspire fear and not inspiration. Because gay is new and so it’s scary then the bible is used to stoke that fear and say that gay people are bad people, which simply isn’t true. Not anymore true than the people eating at Red Lobster. Being bisexual doesn’t mean you’re 50% gay and 50% straight (ignore my half dyke name). Also being bisexual doesn’t mean you’re unlovable. Please contact me if you need anything, privately or not. Best Wishes.