[rant] I hate how I have to be labeled. Also I HATE having a roommate (but more on that another time). But seriously. I hate having to apply the label bisexual to myself.
Partially because so many people don’t believe in such a thing. They believe you’re either one way or the other. You can’t be both. SO many times I hear that bisexuals are either ‘confused’, ‘whores’ or ‘gays who haven’t come out’. And it doesn’t help a lot of gays DO use the term bisexual when they’re coming out.
The problem is, I don’t think it’s just a ‘phase’ for me.
And I’m honestly confused about which I like more. Guys or girls. Some days I say guys hands down. Other times I say girls. But I don’t really know, to be honest. Ever since discovering this second side to myself I haven’t been with a girl.
Maybe I AM fully gay. And that’s my fear. That I’m totally just gay, and no bi and I could never get married to a woman and have children.
But I’ve been very intense emotional and sexual relationships with both girls and guys. And I like BOTH. I’ve met a lot of gays who had ‘girlfriends’ before they came out, but they always said it didn’t work physically.
But then I hear stories about gay men that didn’t come out until they were married with 3 kids, and I’m just wondering, does my PASSION for that ‘perfect’ family (families are perfect no matter the parents), and a wife and kids and being socially accepted….does that PASSION keep me from being gay. LIke is all the thoughts about women just….that desire for that. Making it all false? I don’t know. Apparently gay guys can force themselves to make it work with women….
But I’m not sure if that’s what I was doing. I don’t … think it was. I can’t imagine that EVERY physical encounter with a girl I’ve had was forced. Because my last girlfriend turned me on physically to a level I can’t explain. I would almost lose control with desire and lust and passion. And that lasted over a year. That physical passion for her. Emotional too. It was both. But I though that made me straight until I found a guy I could have a physical and emotional passion for as well.
And that severely confused me, until someone mentioned the fact I could just be bisexual. I said the idea was absurd. Bisexual’s didn’t exist. You were either straight or gay. Bisexuals were just whores or people who were confused, or gays who were hiding from the truth. That’s literally what I thought. Close minded of me. So I freaked out about being gay, but I justified to myself I was straight with curiosity because obviously I didn’t fake that physical part with my last girlfriend.
But I was so confused about it, until I finally accepted the fact, that ONE, maybe there is such thing as bisexual, and TWO, maybe that was me. That was scary. Finally accepting myself as bisexual rather than straight or gay.
And I HATE being bisexual. I don’t CHOSE to be bisexual because it’s ‘easier’. It’s not. Because I don’t feel I can come out to people. If I say I’m bi and I’m currently dating a guy, they’ll just assume I’m gay. And if I’m dating a girl and I say I’m bi, they’ll just say she’s a cover up and that I’m gay. Which is entirely stupid on BOTH aspects.
I hate it. So why tell my parents? WHAT do I tell them? “Hey, I like sucking dicks and licking a girls vagina.”
No. That’s not even actually true. On either accounts. I don’t particular care for giving oral. I don’t MIND it, on either way, but I don’t particular care for it, on either a guy or girl. But I LOVE giving hand jobs and I LOVE fingering. I don’t even know why, but that’s what I DO love. On both. I love grinding against the pelvis of a woman, or the hard boner of another guy.
I truly do enjoy both.
But if asked normally, which one I’d go for, I wouldn’t know. They’re both kinda gross, as weird as that sounds. Like dick? Ew. Vagina? Ew. Haha. Neither of them really just appeal to me as a thing by themselves.
Which leads me to think it’s more emotional than anything. Because ALL my life, I had never had a crush on a guy. I had only had crushes on girls and by having a crush on a girl, led me to WANT to do physical things with her.
With guys, it was nothing. The only thing was, that the IDEA of doing stuff with a guy didn’t turn me off. It was an intriguing thought to me. A “I wonder” moment. Which was apparently weird, so I kept the fact that the ideas of guys didn’t bother me, to myself.
And then I fell for a guy. Emotionally first, then super physically. And I was like, “Woah.”
So now, thinking about it, neither dick nor vagina really turns me ON, so much as the power of a relationship with a person.
If I connect emotionally with a person. REALLY connect with them, and FALL for them, then I don’t GIVE a shit what’s in their pants. I’ll do both gladly. I guess that makes me bisexual, but idk. I wouldn’t say I LIKE either of them more than the other, so much as I just don’t MIND what you have as long as you connect with me emotionally.